things aren't what they seem..

"The paradox would begin to run my life: to know what you are doing is hurting you, maybe killing you, and to be afraid of that fact--but to cling to the idea that this will save you, it will, in the end, make things okay."

I absolutely despise my indecisiveness. It is annoying to no end, how I make choices only to second guess myself and oscillate between other options again in a confused mess. My head always feels so chaotic and clouded, thinking clearly is often difficult. But I'm sure everyone else can relate to that at times.

This pertains to the whole omg-wtf-uni-what-am-I-doing?! issue.

Today I may have changed my mind again. We can blame Matt for this. While the rest of the world was convincing me that taking the year off was a great idea, Matt wouldn't let me. Who else was he going to skip Biology lectures to go and have coffee with? haha. And truth be told, I haven't met anyone at uni who is nearly as fun to be with as him. Even if I do sometimes hate him for stealing my fucking lecture notes. Freeloading bastard.

With the multitude of options available for how we complete our courses (ie. full-time, part-time, summer school, winter school, deferring, etc) I'm tempted to continue for now but drop physics for the year and complete it during the holidays. Spread things out a bit. That'd make my timetable MUCH friendlier and thus I'd have less shit to stress out about. The thing is I'm not entirely certain whether it's the course I hate or whether other factors non-uni related are making me see everything negatively. I don't want to quit this course for the wrong reason when it could possibly be enjoyable once I'm happier.

So for now I'm back to square one. Only, minus seven hours a week to worry about.

x

- Haven't been online in a long time (by my standards).
- Am hating uni. Every aspect of it. I miss high school so much.
- Should be studying right now. Lots of work to do. Already. This is somewhat a relief, I've missed learning and having a sense of purpose.
- Biology bores the living shit out of me. Chemistry lecturer is cool.
- My timetable can go to hell. 24 hours per week most of which I cannot skip, fuck you.
- I've grown increasingly angry and miserable these days.
- Haven't spoken to anyone for ages. Honestly can't be bothered. I'm no fun right now so I'll spare friends of my current fucked up mentality/mood.
- Can't be bothered reading Friends entries either. Too much to go through. Am lazy.
- I hate uni. Have I mentioned that? I've begun skipping lectures already.
- Unsure of whether or not to continue the antidepressants. They don't do much apart from help me sleep and (remarkably) stop the insane nightmares each night which 'traumatised' me into insomnia in the first place. The daily drowsiness is no fun either. Also have a feeling they actually increase my self-destructive thoughts. Ironic.
- Stuck between wanting to make new friends at uni and wanting to push everyone away so I can exist peacefully in my solitude.
- Really, really don't want to talk at all. Any form of communication. Pointless. Empty. Don't even know why I'm updating this thing.

So that's it.

x

y0.



FRIENDS ONLY.

[Comment to be added. Or whatevz.]

x

HA I'VE MASTERED QUANTA TO QUARKS. joy. the first time ive ever successfully gone through an entire syllabus of work thoroughly.

ask me about Rutherford, Bohr and de Broglie's contributions!
or the hydrogen spectral lines!
or Planck's concept of quantised energy!
or classical vs. quantum physics!
or artificial transmutation!
or electrostatic, gravitational & strong nuclear forces!
or mass defect, binding energy and nuclear chain reactions!
or neutron scattering (uh im still a bit hazy on this)
or medical/industrial uses of radioisotopes!
or nuclear accelerators!
or the features of the standard model of matter!
or the fucking Manhattan Project!

(sorry for the list: its more just so i can summarise stuff in my own head than for anyone's viewing pleasure)

only 3 more syllabus' to go. time is running out, shite.

x

im bored, im bored! this is done mainly for my own amusement (or rather to kill time).

WILL THE DAY HURRY UP AND BE OVER WITH ALREADY. i find myself wishing each day to pass quicker. being at home is driving me crazy. i'd prefer to have an exam every day than live like this.

001. Name: Sharon.
002. Nick name: Shaz (with many variations)
003. Single or taken: married.
004. Place of Birth: Sydney.
005. Zodiac Sign: Leo.
006. Male or Female: female.
007. Your last name: Westburgh.
008. School: BGHS. technically graduated already yeaah.
009. Occupation: jobless bum. moocher off thy parents.
010. Residence: the parents house.
011. Your sn: anaesthetised, wickedlittledoll.

__Your appearance___

012. Hair Colour: v. dark brown/black
013. Hair Long or Short: longish.
014. Eye Color: dark brown.
015. How do your nails look: like nails. unpainted. long.
016. Height: 1.68m, 5'6"
017. Do you have a crush on someone: oui.
018. Do you like yourself: no, but i dont hate myself as much as i used to.
019. Braces?: already had em.
020. Think your hott?: hahahah no.
021. Piercings: just ears. nothing fancy.
022. Tattoo: fuck no, i'd only regret it after getting something stupid.
023. Righty or Lefty: handed? righty, how average.

___Your 'Firsts'___

024. First Kiss: what about it? :P
025. First make out: see above.
026. First best friend: Angela from my 1st primary school (a different girl to my current best friend Angela)
027. First Award: just silly certificates. nothing major.
028. First Sport You Joined: umm none by choice haha.
029. First pet: either a fish or a pigeon (it was hurt so i looked after it).
030. First vacation: Indonesia.
031. First REAL Concert: The Vines @ Enmore.
032. First Love: yes.

___Favorites___

033. Movie: American Beauty, Fight Club, Lost In Translation, Reservoir Dogs etc
034. TV Show: Seinfeld, Frasier, Scrubs, MASH
036. Music: too many to narrow down!
037. Song: ditto above.
038. Food: fruit! all kinds! and Japanese food!
039. Drink: water.
040. Candy: not a big sweets person.
041. Sport To Play: hahah no.
043. Brand Of Clothing: don't care. brands are bullshit.
045. School: ? favourite? stupid question.
046. Animal: penguins, cats, monkeys, some dogs.
047. Books: Hitchhikers Guide, Alice In Wonderland, see userinfo.
048. Magazines: haven't bought a magazine in ages.

___Currently___

049. Eating: nothing.
050. Drinking: blackcurrant/lemon tea yum!
051. Mood: obviously bored. slightly depressed.
052. Online: no-one apparently.
053. Listening to: sweet silence
054. Thinking About: how lame i am for doing this.
055. Wanting To: be in a better mood.
056. Watching: a computer monitor as i type.
057. Wearing: blue shirt, pyjama pants. i do realise it's late afternoon :P

___Your Future___

058. Want Kids?: maybe the baby goat kind. not children.
059. Want to Get Married?: no but i may change my mind.
060. Careers in Mind: STOPASKINGMEGODDAMNITIDONTKNOWWHATIMGOINGTODOWITHMYLIFEok, fuck careers.

__Which is Better With The Opposite Sex___

067. Cute or Sexy: sexy.
068. Lips or Eyes: eyes.
069. Hugs or Kisses: both simultaneously.
070. Short or Tall: tall.
071. Easy going?: of course.
072. Romantic or Spontaneous: a fine balance between both.
073. Fatty or Skinny: how about fit?
074. Sensitive or Loud: not loud. not too sensitive.
075. Hook-up or Relationship: relationship.
076. Sweet or Caring: both.
077. Trouble Maker or Hesitant one: neither.

___Have You Ever___

078. Kissed a Stranger: no.
079. Drank Bubbles: only in coffee foam.
080. Lost glasses/contacts: yes.
081. Ran Away From Home: not yet.
082. Broken a Bone: not yet, knock on wood.
083. Got an X-ray: many. all that electromagnetic radiation can't be good for the brain.
084. Broken Someones Heart: ask them.
085. Broke Up With Someone: yes.
086. Turned Someone Down: yes.
087. Cried When Someone Died: yeah.
088. Cried At School: shamefully yes.

___Do You Believe In___

089. God: no.
090. Miracles: no but weird things do happen.
091. Love At First Sight: no. takes more time.
092. Ghosts: maybe.
093. Aliens: logically there must be some out there.
095. Heaven: no.
096. Hell: isn't this it?
098. Kissing on The First Date: depends.
099. Horoscopes: some, yes. others are full of shit. or maybe they all are.

x

with TWELVE days left until the HSC i have:

• done absolutely no revising, studying or even thinking (the general sort) whatsoever
  
• had the realisation of how little time i have left, however, i still dont care
  
• seemingly lost all forms of motivation i once possessed
  
• forgotten most of my indonesian notes (my essays) in my school locker. i cannot get them until next week
  
• been rather distracted by something/someone even though i promised myself i wouldn't be
  
• probably broken the record of most hours spent watching shitty television by an 18 year old in the space of a week
  
• acquired a number of new albums, yaye
  
• not partied enough. my system has been clean for far too long
  
• basically become a bit of a hermit. and a highly unproductive one at that
  

what else? not much. maybe i should go out, get some fresh air, meet some new people, hang out with old friends, whatever. perhaps i should also study.

then again, i should do a lot of things.

x

( WHAT?! SCHOOL'S OVER???! NO WAY. )

damn you Freud.